Stone and Mortar

New Poem. Not sure if there is a specific person in mind with this poem, or if it is simply a collection of past. There really isn't any rhyme or rhythm to the poem so don't try and find it. It's not even a poem really, it's more just a collection of thought. So I hope you enjoy. Leave comments. Etc. <3







One scar at a time



I built up the walls



each brick a cut-



that you left on my heart.



Each tear I shed,



the mortar to hold it in place



but each time you smiled at me,



a brick fell away.



I tore down my castle



to let in your light,



to bring in the sun,



but soon darkness descended,



and hatred consumed me,



as my walls caved in.



The flood gates had opened



and pain rushed in,



drowning in sorrows



choking on sins.



I reached for your hands,



my salvation incarnate,



but instead of my safety



wrapped up in your arms,



I was left there to die,



your smile no longer a place I could find,



but only the monster I had feared would burn me alive.



I rebuilt my walls,



each cut was a brick,



each bruise a support,



and tears as my morter.



Now it is stronger,



no longer can you find a way in.



I can't trust those eyes,



or your sickening smile.



Now you are back,



asking to let my hair down.



this is no fairy tale,



but if you insist,



I'll show you just how much it hurts to resist.



My archers take guard,



armed with words that can sting



and syllables to kill.



My walls are invincible,



can't you see?



I built them to be love proof,



the moment you hurt me.

It's over

"Screaming and then silence" To anyone else that phrase would be one of the best jokes on a cheesy youtube cartoon, but to me it's my nightly ritual. I awaken from nightmares and even dreams this way. My body sky rockets out of bed, clinging to his hat, my voice echoing through my empty room. I am alone there. He is not with me. Only his hat to keep me company. An inanimate object, no good for conversation, only a reminder of what will never be. I rest my head back against the pillows, the soft cotton enveloping me. As I close my eyes I wonder, I let my mind go back and analyze, analyze what the dream meant, or even let myself wish to be back there. Back to where I can see his face, to hear his voice or what I remember of it. I wish to go back to the before, when the biggest adrenaline rush was just knowing that he would be in Utah, he would be home. Back when it was looking forward to seeing my best friend, and before his voice made my head spin, his touch made my body ache and his name sent chills down my spine. If I could return to when things were innocent, when I was ignorant of the joy that shown in my smile and what it truly meant. Before I figured it out, before I fought, before I picked up my verbal sword and shield and tried for the impossible. I would give anything to back to perfection, the perfect friendship, the best of friends, attached at the hip at any event, desperately hugging each other when it was time for him to leave. Now I fear. I fear that he sees me in a different light, that he will eventually abandon me, that I am alone and without my best friend to protect me. My dreams lead me down a road of destruction, a road towards him. He is my destruction and my salvation. I went 7 days without speaking to him, 7 moons I spent waking up to my own terror, 7 suns of wishing I could hear his voice, 7 dreams repeating themselves, 7 nightmares I wish I could forget, 7 desperate pleas for help, 7 is a number I will never forget. I'm feared what would happen when my 7 days of silence had finally ended. I had feared that when we finally spoke it would be him saying goodbye. Instead he called me, told me it was good to hear my voice and that he missed me. My best friend still wished me the best, still wanted to be a part of my life, even though I had hurt him, had almost destroyed his relationship with his one true love, and had almost destroyed myself in the process he still cared. I thought I had lost him forever, my giant would never be around again, but no, I was wrong. He came back, as best he could. Distance being our only setback. I care for him deeply. I love him with all of my heart. And every time I think of how much I love him, and with how much of my soul I poured into convincing him I loved him, it breaks my heart to think of him. Instead of the name Tasadar reminding me to work on my book, it shatters my heart, it reminds me that my great leader is gone. Instead of the name Taco making me laugh and crave food, I cringe to know I'm not "taco's girl", instead of the name Josh reminding me I know too many people by that name, I hear it and all I think of is him even if HE isn't who they are talking about. I hold back tears at the thought of losing him. I want to scream at the world when I think of all the words he said to me, all the promises he made, and all the lies they turned out to be. I want to drive down there and slap him, kiss him, scream at him and beg him to come home. But he is home, his home is not in my arms but in hers. I have never been the jealous type, but she is the only woman I will ever be jealous of. Because my best friend is hers, she has the best man on this planet. She has a soul that fits perfectly with mine. My heart yearns for answers, for him to just tell me he still means every word he said. But is it possible? When I lost him 3 times in one week? Is it possible for those words to be true? Can he love more than one person? Or am I an infatuation when times get tough? Am I just a figment of his fleeting heart's imagination? Can I really exist to a man if I am only a shoulder to cry on or one of the guys? Will ever there be a man who puts me first? When will I be someone's leading lady? I guess for now my answer is never. I guess for now I tuck myself into bed and pray that i don't wake up holding that hat. I guess I just live with the regret, live with the pain, and just try and heal slowly but surely. Let every note of music take away the hurt. And let my world slowly put itself back together. He will always be a part of me. He will always remind me of a past I could not make a future. I am done fighting, I'm done losing, and I'm done waking up to a tear stained pillow and a room filled with shattered dreams. I am alone. I am free. I am me.

I Dare You

I dare you

to kiss me

make me believe

wipe away my tears

strip me of my doubts

prove the world wrong

become the man you want to be

tell me your secrets

keep all of mine

shed a tear or two

be my best friend.

I dare you

to change the world

stand by my side

hold my hand

steal my heart

and treat it right.

I dare you

to burn my fear

scream at the happiness

laugh at the pain

scratch out the past

clean off your slate.

I dare you

to find who you are

embrace your life

struggle a little

find the better side

give yourself time

heal your wounds

do not obsess

worry less

come on,

I dare you.

Samhain

I was going to stand by South, passion, fire, gecko, watchtower, it was the place I felt the most connection to, at least that's what I thought. I had stood next to Ron at Yule, his energy holds the strength of a thousand warriors, but the gentleness of a father's touch to his newborn child. It's a contradiction within itself, but yet he helped me through Yule, my first circle.

So today I was going to stand by Griff, to my left, and Stephanie ,on my right, my Brother and my Aunt. At least that's how I see them, they are not related to me by blood, but deep down they are family. I knew they'd be there for me if the circle became too much. Griff would wrap his arm around me, and Steph would hold my hand, so I knew I was safe by South. However, they had other plans.

"Skippy, can you go stand by West with Ashlynne and Thea?" I had originally been starring down at my shoes, my black and purple converse, wondering why I felt like I needed to take them off, they were suddenly uncomfortable. My name, I had heard it, my head snapped up and I answered without realizing what I was answering to. Then my brain caught up.

You are going to move? I thought you needed Griff and Steph next to you? What changed your mind? My mind screamed at me for a moment.

"Things just change." I whispered back, no one heard me as I held my head up high and walked clockwise towards West.

Ashelynne has always felt like a sister, that Kindred Spirit that for some reason connects with your soul, the person you can't forget that connection with. When you are cleaning or cooking or dancing, you wish you could have that same grace that she possesses, but I'm a clutz, a curse I must deal with. I'll just live with being good at drawing and sports. That's fine with me. Thea was another of the Aunts I had adopted since coming into the light of the farm. I knew they'd be my support, but I wasn't use to standing by West. I had felt the greatest connections when we were calling East and South at Yule. So I had no idea what connection I'd feel standing between North and West.

Again I stared down at my shoes, and decided I'd just take them off. Leaning down to untie the laces I noticed that they were already loose, I guess that'd be why they were uncomfortable, you feet shouldn't move that much in a hightop. I shrugged my shoulders and felt my tight little black jacket slip from my shoulders. "Well I guess that's coming off too. I might as well strip." I giggled slightly. I peeled off my jacket, like I had said, skin tight, that jacket wasn't easy to take off, and kicked off my shoes. The purple scale peace signs on the outside of them faced towards the circle. "We come in peace." I whispered to myself, laughing at my slight E.T. reference, at least I hadn't wanted to phone home yet.

Now that everyone had gathered, and Griff and myself had both been moved to new spots, he was over by East and North now-- at least he was in my direct sight of vision if I ever needed him, or he needed me. Nana and Aggie asked everyone to quiet down, close our eyes and to breath deeply. Immediatly my hands fell to my sides, my lids slammed shut, and my body brought in as much air as my lungs could handle before slowly letting the air seep through my slightly parted lips. Even that held energy. As Nana spoke, telling us to feel the cord at the back of our necks pulling away our stress, relieving us of life's challenges I felt like my body was going to be sucked through the floor. (It was like the movie Ghost Dad with Bill Cosby when he hasn't learned to stand on solid objects.) I smiled faintly and let my body relax, things would be good tonight, this would be right for me, I would not stress about school, friends, family, or work. I was here to give unto others and recieve as well. I let the cord pull me down, imagining myself slipping through the mossy green carpet, the wooden floorboards bending to my will as the Earth took me in, cradeling me in her arms for the few moments she would let me.

When I opened my eyes I wasn't in Earth's gentle arms, I was back in the living room and Evan had began his call to East. Immediatly I felt the rush of words and drawings rush over my body, my left hand slightly shaking from the Energy that collided into my body. That connection with East was still as strong as it had been at Yule if not stronger, the air swept across my face, in my mind my hair was billowing behind me. Then we all turned to the right as Steph began to call South to the circle. The fire erupted in my heart and immediatly a bead of sweat rolled down the side of my face, I wiped it away with my right hand and let myself burn, imagining myself on the edge of a castle, letting the sun beat across my face, knowing that later the sunburn would kill, but reveling in the serenity that it brought me at that time. I felt every one turn and my body continued with them, now Ashe was calling West. I knew the energy would be immense, but I wasn't ready for what came towards me. West represents emotion, I know I'm emotional, and I also know that standing nearer to the caller is extremely powerful. So when I felt the tidle wave rush over me, and inside my body flipping through the waves, my lungs compressing trying to hold on, tears immediatly welled into my eyes. I had to open my eyes, press my hand against my chest and take in a deep breath before I turned to listen to Maeda call North. I closed my eyes and raised my receiving hand, the grass of the meadow brushed against my legs, I let my body lean back and felt the bark of a mighty oak holding me up, I could relax and feel safe underneath that oak. North was justice but for me it meant security.
So mote it be. I whispered four times over in the initial opening of the circle. I could feel the energy flowing around us, it was already amazing. They asked the callers how they entered the circle, and each answered "In perfect love, and perfect trust." I knew this to be true, with each answer of perfect love and perfect trust I felt more and more at peace, my heart calming down, my body relaxing. Now it was my turn, I brushed back my bangs and Ashlynne held the bowl of water in front of me.
"How do you enter the circle?" She whispered. I lifted my chin and smiled. "In perfect love and perfect trust." The energy flowed through my as she drew and kissed my forehead. I knew I was safe here, they would protect me.

Some moments of the circle are clearer than others, the energy sometimes was too immense to keep my eyes open, or to hear what others were saying, or even to know how to breath. I felt like a blonde, Breath in. Breath out. I knew I was crying, I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, I could feel my heart race, and I could hear my sniffles as I tried to calm down. I wasn't embarrassed for crying, everyone had shed at least a tear throughout the circle. I looked across the circle, even Griff, my brave brother, had shed a few tears. I knew why he shed those tears, I could sense who was with him, who was with everyone. I didn't understand most of the spirits that had hung around our group. I was close with these people, but only Griff I understood exactly who was with him. In that same moment I felt a chill run across my shoulder, the small of my back, my arm, and slightly against my shoulder blades. They were with me, Uncle Rick, Tess, John, Nicky, and my Grandma Gee Gee. There were more with me, an elderly couple, a young child, and a teen. I was unsure as to who they were until I later described the experience to my mom. The unknown spirits were my great grandparents, my cousin Michelle, and my Uncle Dana, all who I had been told about, but none who I had ever met. When I learned this I wish that my Grandpa Bob had been there, but didn't come when I called for him. He's happy now, he knew I'd be okay without him.

When I felt all the spirits around me, and my connections with Rick, Tess, Nicky and John, I started to ball. The tears came faster now, a waterfall of emotion. Ashelynne and Thea were both crying, and we all held each other, our hands on each others backs, or our hands together. Their energy and mine flowed in and out, the heat and the cold contradicting each other. I was so shakey sometimes I'd kneel, sometimes I wanted to pass out, but all I knew for sure was that I needed to make it through this circle. I had too much I needed to do.

The veil between this world and the next is thinnest on the night that is Samhain, I understood this and knew that I had to get rid of some unneccessary pain and let them rest in peace. I was allowed to say a few things so I stepped forward. My uncle rick giving me a slight squeeze on my shoulder before letting me step up. John however, didn't let go. He stayed with me, I knew this was for him, but I had to release others as well. I forgave those who had trespassed upon myself and others, for those who had died and I had never met. When I said that, Dana, my great grandparents and Michelle all left. Ashelynne and Thea's hands were still pressed to my back and I felt their energy helping me through this. I took a deep breath.

John stayed close to me, so I decided to tell them all my secret. I started crying even harder when I realized what I had to do. I was going to let go of John, I had held onto him so often, calling him to me, asking for his help, yelling at him when he wouldn't come, and rejoicing when he did. He was like a drug, but it was one that was bringing me down and one that I had to quit. So tonight was that night. I told them about how much I had needed him, how much I loved him, how I had ran out of the wake, the funeral and had never gone back. So tonight was the night to forgive and release. I would never forget him, but when I said goodbye and whispered so mote it be, John gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left. He was gone, and I was never going to see him again. I experimented that night, in the loft, whispering his name. He whispered goodbye and never came back. I'll never forget him, but I don't need to call him anymore.

When we had all said our goodbyes, our thank you's, and gave forgiveness for trespassers. We began to close the circle, releasing the corners, thanking them for helping us, and addressing the death of the Oak King, knowing he'd be back at Yule to be reborn into the Sun King. I smiled knowing that I'd be here for Yule. There was no way I would miss it. As I raised my hand to each corner my hand would shake and slowly Tess, Rick, and Nicky left. Rick was at peace now, he knew I could move on, giving my one last squeeze goodbye. Tess gently let go of my back and Nicky drifted away from my shoulder. I was alone, but I wasn't. I was with those who cared for me here on earth. I had a family with these people.

As the circle ended and the hugs erupted, everything felt so amazing, I was on top of the world even though I couldn't stop crying. My breathing was erratic, and I couldn't figure out if I was hot or cold. I gave hug after hug, people saying thank you for sharing, or congratulating me on my bravery, I would thank them all for being with me through this, for sharing with me their energy. I was at center with myself, a feeling I hadn't felt since I was a child. I reveled in that for a moment, I am 17, but I am not a child any longer. I hadn't been for a long time, and it took me until now to realize that my youthful qualities that I still clung to, would never leave me unless I left them. So I pocketed them like a child would a penny and carried on my way.

Samhain was a phenominal experience, I would not trade it for the world. I was grateful for all who were there, and for those spirits who came to bring peace to their loved ones.

I may have been raised by christian roots when I was younger, and this may take some soul searching to figure this out, but I believe deep down that experiencing Yule and Samhain has changed my life forever. I had already questioned my roots, but now I know that there is a difference beetween beleiving what you are told, and believing what you feel. I will never be the same, instead I will be better for it.

So mote it be.

Letting Go

Running through the neighborhood,
To tell my latest tale,
Of romance and or heartbreak,
Of saintly deeds and sin.

I use to tell you everything,
Secrets between friends,
A way to vent our emotions,
An escape from all our woes.

I depended on you for kindness,
For ways to make me laugh,
I was there for you through hardship,
From boyfriends down to death.

But in the end it was not enough,
You walked away so fast,
Spreading rumors and stupid lies,
I was only left to ask:

What happened to my friend,
The one I held so dear,
The shoulder there to cry on,
The jokes to make me smile?

I miss that dear old friend,
But this is truly how it goes,
I walk away forever,
Saying goodbye,
From now on letting go.

I think of him, I cry, I hear his name, I cry, I hear his voice and I break down. It's impossible to sustain sanity in a situation like this. I'm completely overwhelmed by the fact that I thought both of us needed the break, we both wanted it and in the end he didn't want or need it at all. I was the one who was unsure, I was the one who pushed him away from me. Why? I was branded, why'd I give up? It's like I carved the brand right out of my skin and handed it over. I don't understand why my body aches for him, I still want to be with him, I want to feel his lips pressed against mine. To feel his arms hold me tight. But I can't go backwards, now is the time to look forward but never forget. I've cried more this last week than I have in my entire life. It's almost a constant flow of tears. If people are around I hold it in. I hide, my mask of innocence and strength are up and no one sees my pain. But lock the door and close the blinds and that's when I fall apart. I'm so weak, my heart has shattered into a million peices and I'm the reason that he's gone. I couldn't do what I promised. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't be there for him the way he needed me. And for that I am deeply sorry. I wish I could just forget, wipe every memory out of my mind forever...no I don't what am I saying? Forget everything? I don't regret anything that happend between us. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, and instead of heading towards it I ran away. I turned around and left that tunnel, in consequence I was hit by the next upcoming semi which was labeled Logic and Reality Co. Can I really be so naive as to believe that it would have all fixed itself over time? Of course not. And now he has given up and there are no second chances. He's gone, but only to a certain degree. He is my friend, but this weekend with him over was akward. I shouldn't have said yes, I wasn't ready. I cried in my room, or in the bathroom, and he'd only be right down stairs. If he listend hard enough he probably could have heard my sobs. I'm a wreck but I cannot and will not go backwards. I am a strong independent woman. And for this reason is why I can stand on my own. He is my friend and in time my wounds will heal.

The Sacrament-HIM (I <3 this song!)

The Sacrament
HIM
Love Metal
-----------------------------

I hear you breathe so far from me
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
It's glory lies beyond judgment of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


I hear you weep so far from me
I taste your tears like you're next to me
And I know
That my weak prayers are not enough to heal
All the ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sacrament is you
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament is you
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I am branded...forever his

I think of him, my body tingles, he touches my skin, I shiver, he kisses my lips, I quake. Everything about him I react to, I can't help but feel the pull he has on my heart. He used his lasso of charm and wrapped it around my heart, I've been pulled too close. So close to a point I don't want to be set free. I've been branded. Give me time and I'll show you what I mean, or I should say, give it time and you will feel what I mean. One day someone will come along and sweep you off your feet and you will understand what I mean by the lasso of charm, that you feel branded. The thing is, you are willing to be branded, you asked for it. You walked foward, arms outstretched, your wrists bared to the flame. You skin fresh to the seering pain that will come when he brands your skin. The difference her is that pain, that burning sensation that the burn brings, comes attached with the feelings of love, happiness, tingles, shivers, and wants. It burns into your skin and you watch, you watch as you change, but only enough to be his. You are still the you he fell in love with, the you he wanted your brand from. It's a give and take. You must cooperate in order for it to work.

You must risk, everything and nothing. They don't ask for you to give up a thing but you sacrifice it all. Only to realize when things get bad that you blame them for your sacrifices. They did not ask, you just did it. Don't do it, unless you know you won't fully blame them. I risk it all, each and everyday for him. He is my everything, I admit that.
I may not have the permission from the parentals, so technically I am single, but my heart is taken. I am not some little girl who can't think for herself. My heart has galivanted off and into his arms.

He holds me sometimes, and when he does I never want to move. I never want to feel anything else. He keeps me safe, he knows what I need, what I want. He knows that the blood in my veins races for him, it sprints faster everytime he gets close enough that I can feel his breath. I think he knows that with one little push I'd fall in love, and I'd never get up.
The only problem with this is my logic, I must have control of myself, the situation, and everything sometimes. The problem with falling in love is you don't have complete control, you must give some of it up in order to feel anything. I have given up some of my control and I scare myself with that lack of control more often than not.

I've given up on having control. I'm deciding now that I have fallen in love. I'm letting my heart control it. It's time now to realize this. We will find a way through it all. Even when I go away to college, even when everything changes because I'm not in school, or because we are both working, no matter what I will have him. Even if it's just as friends he will be in my life.

It's like what Meg from Hercules says:

"At least outloud I won't say I'm in love."

Except I can say it outloud. I can believe in it all.

I AM IN LOVE! I AM IN LOVE WITH NATHAN FERNANDEZ!!!

Say you will

Yes this song is a Bella and Edward video but that is not the point. The point is the song, what it says, what it means to me.
I've waited so long to see him, so long to just hold him in my arms and know that it's real. To know that he is actually here. I know he is here but I haven't been able to see him to prove every last doubt in my heart. He said he'd see me within the first couple days of his arrival. I still haven't seen him. It's tearing me apart inside. It's bringing back all the ghosts my logic hides in the shadows. They sit and watch as I pull my heart out on a silver platter. It waits until I'm vulnerabe and waiting, when the final detail is so close but my vulnerability by waiting for it is even closer. It will strike, the ghosts will come and haunt me and I will want him more, but I will doubt him more. I almost doubt if I haven't imagined this past year that I've known him. I feel like maybe he doesn't exist. This reality I sit in doesn't exist. Why? Why? That horrible word that haunts my soul. I can't answer it. Only he can. He can answer that question, he can patch me up. He can lie to me, and say he will. He can show me everything that I've waited for. But I just haven't seen it yet. I've heard his words, I've dreamed the dreams, I've sat in the shadows and tortured my heart until I couldn't take it anymore just to see him. I even broke down on friday, I couldn't stop crying, it was an impossibility I swear. I just didn't understand why I couldn't see him and that was only after one day. I don't know where I'll be if I don't see him soon. I need him. It's almost like he is my drug and I am addicted. He truly is my reason to live it seems. And even though I will only be able to be 'friends' until I am 18. Only until January 2010 will I have to wait. But I at least need to see him, to touch him, to hear his voice in front of me and know that he really is there. He really is waiting for me.

The Story(LONG!)

The door slams as the sobs break the silent air that fills her room. Her heart is breaking and all she can do is sit there and take it because she knows they are right. No matter what she thinks of to deny their words it is the truth, it's everything her heart has been hiding from her. She knows better than to let herself get caught up in such painful but amazing situations such as this, she's tried before and it didnt end well. So why would she even dream of trying again? It's because she wishes of a world far better than the one that she is trapped in. She is shackled to the same old drama that comes into her life in as much of a routine as the need to breath.
As the tears stream down her face, flowing from her eyes just as fast as the lightning cracks through the night sky, she stumbles across her frozen, desolute bedroom. Fumbling with the CDs, dropping the papers, and throwing the watch. The precious watch, a subconcious thought hopes it hasn't broken, but at the moment she could care less. She just wants to blast out her pain, drown out her sorrow with the strings on the guitar, the slam of the drums, the echo of his voice.
Her heart is shattering into a thousand peices and she can barely breath. The sobs grip her throat harder than she ever thought possible, it's almost as if her lungs have cut her off from reality. The music fills the air and she collapses upon her bed. Her face burried in her burgendy comforter, her fists balled up the silken fabric of her pillow case, but no matter how tight she grips at it she can't seem to release the anger and sorrow inside of her. It was all falling down around her and she couldn't change a thing. She wouldn't be able to fix a damn thing because it was all her fault. She had made the choice and now she was lost and denied her right to love. To love him.
The words, they filled her mind, the yelling, the pleading, the denial, the rejection, the heartbreak. She couldn't think of a single word that would change their minds. She knew they accepted it, but that right now there was no way it would happen. Her right to love him would not come for another year, why test a friendship that's made it through every hell that the Gods and Goddesses could think of? Because it's the only thing to prove to this poor girl that he might be her knight in shining armor. She knew it but she had to prove it to them.
She curled up on her bed, breaking apart inside, desperate to hear the words that would reassure her of the sanity of this situation. Calm her of all her pain. And then they came, through the speakers, through the music, filling her ears but it only made her cry more. Remember when we stayed up late and we talked all night in the dark room lit by the tv light. The memory, the lyrics had triggered that memory inside of her when they had talked about all their dreams, about the hopes, the plans. Everything that they wanted to do so badly, that it would have only been a month of waiting to cling to such a dream. Now though, it was different, he'd be there in front of her in a month, but the dreams they had built up that night, the promise their laughter had made, it wouldn't come true for another year. Why would they torture her so?
I remember when we use to laugh, and I wish those nights would last. They would come back to her one day, but now was not that time. She sat up and tried to wipe the tears away but it seemed that it just opened the flood gates even more as a new song flooded the room. I was sitting there in my room, waiting for you, you were waiting for me too. And it makes me wonder, the older I get will I get over it?
The lyrics struck her hard, only digging the wound in her chest deeper, causing even more pain to erupt inside of her. She threw the remote across the room and it seemed to be a sign for her because the T.V. shut off. Climbing out of her bed she dashed from her room and into the bathroom. Blasting the radio in their the music that played was sad and sultry, but showed no emotion, it wasn't to display a message it was just to get a hit. Perfect. She didn't want to feel anything, she just wanted to be numb.
The shower burned her skin, she knew she wasn't going to feel a thing when this was done. She had turned the hot water up and the cold water only enough as to not actually burn herself. She just wanted the feeling not the actual burn. The water lacing down her skin, hiding her tears, she felt safe. No one could come in to hurt her again, she was alone with her thoughts and the pain she felt. Her screams were drowned out by the emotionless music. Her body shivered under the beating of the water but it wasn't cold, it was scalding hot. She wanted to feel the heat, the warmth that only he could have given her if he had been there to prove their love to them. If he had been at her side arguing their case just as hard as she had been.
When the water would begin to feel cold she'd turn the heat up more. Until finally it ran out. She stepped out, wrapping the towel around herself and pulling on her blue tshirt and purple plaid pajamas. She felt comfortable, but it didn't feel right. Nothing felt normal, those were the pajamas she depended on when she needed comfort but they didn't fill the gaping hole inside of her.
After removing herself from the steam filled bathroom, she locked herself in her room. The phone gripped in one hand, her heart in the other. She dialed his number and waited for his voice, waited to deliver the devastating news that would shatter his heart, then she'd help him through it. Reassure him of thier love even though he hadn't been able to for her, because he hadn't known yet. She didn't blame him, only herself. The ringing seemed to echo on and on and on, but then he answered. It sounded so faded, so distant, as if she wouldnt know how to handle herself when he answered she had to give herself a light slap on the face. Come back to reality.
"Yello?" His voice was always so cheery, a sultry sweet calm, she could never resist the urge to smile when he'd talk to her. He filled her heart with a bit of joy but that only increased the pain when she thought about what she'd have to tell him.
"They said no."She sobbed into the phone. Trying to hide the fact that she was crying. She didn't want him to hear her pain, she was always so brave for him, his little soldier. Why would she show him this weak side now? Now when all that was left was to be strong. "They said once I'm 18 then we would have their blessing."
"I understand." He mumbled, he actually understood? How? She didn't even get it. "They just want you safe, the same as I do. And I know that they approve of us or they wouldn't agree to their blessing when you are 18." Oh, now it all made sense, it wasn't them at all, it wasn't him that was causing the rejection.
"They said it's because of the age difference and my innocence being so precious right now." She tried to hold back the sobs again, keep him from noticing her weakness. "Three years shouldn't be such an issue. Why?" She almost lost her control at the last question but a quick recovering was made.
"Then it isn't me that they hate. We'll be okay love. It's a test. We must prove to them that our love is stronger than a year's time." She nodded to herself and mumbled a tone of agreement. She hated how calm he was about it, she loved it at the same time. He was so right, why hadn't she understood before? The pain still gripped at her but he dulled it with his words. He still loved her, he wasn't pushing her away because of her parents. He still cared. He really wasn't like the rest of them.
The rest of the night was spent with his words soothing her, distracting her while her heart began to heal. She would almost drift off to sleep and he'd patiently talk to her and his voice would awaken her. She mumble sorry and he'd tell her it was okay and that he thought it was cute. She seemed so precious to him, she'd never felt like this before. When she finally hung up the phone that night the pain had dissapeared. He had fixed her hole in her heart. He had mended her wounds and kept all the promises their laughter had made.
That year would feel like forever sometimes, but once he was infront of her at the end of that month, they would wait for that year to pass together.
She was really a wild horse, and he was truly the lone wolf, but in that moment it was when the wild horse could finally fall in love with her lone wolf.

Lyrics are by Skillet!

Story is property of Skippy, copying is Illegal without permssion!

My Simple Mistake

The simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes. The soul can only take so much torture. The heart can only shatter so many times. It always as an extent, it always has a climax, that final point, when it crashes. When everything falls apart. The moment when you realized this little wish of yours that you were so desperate to have come true, the wish that was at the edge of your fingers, begging to be desired, is not going to come true. You are never going to know what it's like to have that love, that fairy tale. I wish I had known this before, I wish I had not had to hit that brick wall with so much intensity and momentum. I had led myself to believe that it could last, it would work through everything, it'd become a part of who I was. It'd be a peice of me that I could share. My ultimate fairy tale was almost in my grasp, dangling there. I was in denial of reality, love was blinding me. The reality was that I was not meant to have love, my soul was to be tortured once again and my heart was to be shattered. Except it would not only be mine that would be destroyed. I'd drag him right down with me. Not on purpose. But in the end that's how it would happen, I'd let myself fall back into reality and try to bring him with me. I was doing it to save his heart, if mine broke than so be it, but I would die to know I broke him. It would pain me to know that I had been one of the many who had slaughtered his dreams. I went about the steps of getting there all wrong, because I had already allowed myself to fall for this dream, for letting him fall for this dream, that neither of us could deny. We both clung to it, it was so much a part of us. I thought about it constantly. When I finally chose to break the news to him that technically this dream was not going to happen, that we needed to wake up from our fairy tale I shattered him. He had finally trusted again, believed in the idea of love. It was more than just a title again, it was finally something to live for, to dream for, to strive for, to risk everything for. But now because of me, I took that away...again. I took that last little spark inside of him. I feel terrible for it. I devastated him. I sent him flying into that brick wall attached to a rocket. I know I hurt him, he told me so. Instead of him hating me, he said he still loves me, that our friendship will outlast this, that we are going to be friends at the minimum. But to make my heart yern for him more was the fact that he told me I would never hurt him in the way I feel I did. I would never become one of those past girls in the life n' times of him. I would be something better than that. I would be special. That I am special. He tried to lift me up, and yet he tore me down. He questioned it all, he questioned this logical reality that threatened the very being of our relationship. He threatened me with not thinking, the figured I'd realize later that I made a mistake. My mistake was not in reminding him of reality, it was in letting myself and him escape this reality for the time I did. For what was only a day or so, felt like an eternity. i was thouroughly attached to him. The distance seemed to hold me back from ever commiting my heart and soul to this man and here I sit in my quiet desperation still wishing that I could turn back time. That I could stop myself from ever telling him how I felt, save him from this pain that I feel so deep inside me. This pain I only spread to him like the plague. The hurt that I could only give and couldn't take from him. I want to know what it's like to be able to pledge everything I am to someone. I want to know when it's okay to say I love you and not be repremended for it later. Not to have my dreams shatter because that's what helps us live. Dreams help us succeed. Without them nothing would get done. I just wish that the tears would stop flowing from my eyes everytime I think of him, of us, of what could have been. What I wished for, what he dreamed of. What we wanted. Could I ever have that back? I hope so. He says it won't ever happen again. He's too afraid to trust it now, that he can't believe in it anymore. I wish I could be that cynical and pessimistic, just write it off. But I can't hold it inside and brood it, hide it from the world the way he does. He's so good at that. I am jealous of his ability to hide. I want to hide too ya know!? Can someone release me from this hellish prison I hold myself captive in? Can a simple wish really turn into such a big mess? Can a few words really change a friendship forever? Can a burning passion for each other really be put out by a simple distance? Could I really get passed all this pain without losing a part of myself? I hope so. But for as long as I live I will forever remember that the simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes.

Story belongs to Skippy, copying is Illegal without permission!

Me in Quotes

Giving Up.

Have you ever wondered why so many girls are heartbroken and just dont trust? It's because the guys that say they are 'good guys' and will be there for you, and will hold you are the ones that desert you and are the ones that break your heart. I'm sorry to all the guys out there that really are good, who really are the ones that mean every word they say and we don't trust you. It's because we are afraid to lose what you've given us, but we lose it in the end because we are afraid that it's not real. It's confusing and a bit contradictory but we try. At least have some patience. I know I'm sick of the guys that tell you they will wipe away your tears but they are the ones who make you cry, the ones that say they'll take away all your fears but they are why you have nightmares. I hate the guys that say you are their best friend, your 'lil sis' but then when you really need that big brother they are jerks and blow you off. I'm sick of the guys who tell you that you are their world but then turn around and tell that to the next blonde that walks down the street. I hate the guys that tell you to tear down your walls to let them in and as soon as they do they plant a nuke and make sure they are far enough away so they can watch the explosion but not get hit by any of the after effects. I'm sick of guys who tell you they will go at your pace, and that sex isn't all that they are after but leave you after a month cause they haven't gotten laid or they force themselves on you because they 'neeed' it so bad or they guilt you into it, they pull the "you'll do this if you love me' card. Boy does that get you a no fast in my book. You tell me whether or not I love you and that will get you a boot to the face and send you out the door. I'm sorry, but like the great Pat Benatar says "Stop using sex as a weapon." I just want a guy who will say and mean what he says, who will give me the time of day even if we don't work out. Who will show just as much of himself to me as I do to him. And I don't mean sexually, I mean emotionally. Drop as many barriers as I do. Let me see him vulnerable instead of the other way around. Love is giving someone your heart and trusting them not to break it. I'm just sick of having to pick up the shattered peices, tape it back together and realize that I don't have all the shards to give to the next guy who says he will mend my broken heart. I'm done with that. I just feel like giving up, I just don't want to try and compete with supermodels to get a guys attention. I'm not thin, I have curves, I have a brain, I have a mind of my own, I am independent and if guys don't like that well then I don't know where society has come to because last I checked being yourself was suppose to be important. Well wish me luck on my journey of finding someone. I don't know if I ever will. Seems useless to me right now. ^_^ However I am happy for all those who have found that special someone. I am not bitter against you at all, jealous at times, but not bitter. You just found one of the lucky ones.

Property of Skippy, copying without permission is ILLEGAL!

I'm a big girl now

Can I really be a big girl? Or should I say, do I want to be a big girl? Lately all I've wanted to do was scream and cry and pitch whatever fit came to mind. It's been hard lately because of school stressing me out. I have 3 F's and that's insane for me. I'll have them up asap but for right now the idea of them being there is scaring me. So like I was saying...I want to have a good cry because everything seems to be falling apart. But yet people from my past I thought would never want to talk to me again have tried to speak to me. It's so weird. Two guys who I use to think were my best friends then they betrayed me and now they are apologizing and growing up. I'm proud of them for apologizing but I can't have them in my life again. It's not right, I'm too afraid of what will happen, and I have friends now that are better for me than they are. So why turn my back on my true friends for those two? It wouldnt make sense. I'm trying to keep my head above water and I think I at least can come up for gasps of air everyonce in a while. That's beter than drowning completely. I guess I've been trying to find the true me, but who is that person? She's not the little girl who use to jump on her grandma's couch, she's not the kid who tried to intimidate the other players in the keeper box, she's not the preteen who changed her clothes ten zillion times cuz she crushed on one of her brother's friends, and she's not the teenager who tries to do everything for everyone. Those are only small parts that make up who this person is and I am still on the journey to find out who I am. Maybe I'll never find out. Maybe I'll always wonder what kind of a person I am. Maybe I'll be like everyone else and conform? No. That's not me. I'm too different to conform. Even this blog is a non conformist act. Most conformists wouldn't tell out their heart and soul on the internet. But that's how I am. I need to vent sometimes.

Dear Mr. President-Pink

Can we all be happy we have a new president who actually cares? Yes.

Drowning

A need to confess, it seems that I can only dig this hole deeper and deeper. No matter how many times I try to dig myself out I end up just as deep as before if not deeper. I can't help it. And sides, even though I try to keep my mouth shut and just keep every thought I have to myself I have issues with that sometimes. I'm extremely outspoken and it's a bit difficult for someone such as myself not to say what I feel. It's how I am, it's how I've been raised. But anyway, back to the hole I keep digging. Everyone assumes that because I smile, or because I show my opinions, or because I have all these hopes and dreams I'm some marvelous person to look up to, well guess what...I don't think I am. I mean I could sit here and go on and on about all my acheivements and how many people I've helped in my life. How many people have told me I've "saved their life" well I don't think I have. I mean I know I've helped people, it's what I've always done. It's again a part of who I am. I help. But everywhere I go my family brags about my grades, about my goals for college, about my plans in life, how good I am, how I'm not like every other cliche teenager. The only thing is I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get my head above water. I take on too much. If it's not someone's emotional burden it's my own emotions, or it's my financial troubles, or it's even social issues, or school, or trying to find time for all my friends, family, and have enough time in all of this just to relax. I swear my only time to relax is when I take a shower and even sometimes I have to take a really quick one so I can't relax. It's driving me up a wall. And of course everytime I let down my defenses and let my parents see how stressed I am, how up a river without a paddle I am, they tell me they can pull me out of my school and into a different one but that would kill me. I've never been in a public highschool before. I wouldn't know what to do. And besides, I went to my school for the fact that 1: My old school was way too EASY, and 2: I HATE drama! So then I tell my parents I can handle it. Which really I can, but I sometimes feel like I'm failing them, they put so much faith in me and then I don't take early college, how lame is that? I just don't feel ready yet. Maybe my senior year I'll take a butt load and get a bunch done. maybe some online stuff instead of in class, maybe that will be better for me. It could help. But now I've finally decided that I needed to prioritize what I am doing with myself and my life and I decided that what is best for me and my sanity is to drop being president of realms, it's been fun and all but I can't handle it. I need time to breath, and realms was originally a hobby. It was a place for me to beat out my stress, but I can't seem to do that anymore because I have to help run the practice, I have to deal with drama, I have to run things through the school, therefore I am resigning and giving the power to my two vice presidents, soon as possible. I have been stupid and have only added onto my stress. I am going to be trying to participate in an oratorical contest in the beginning of january, but I don't feel anywhere close to ready. It's way hard, and I'm scared of trying to get in front of the judges and talk for 10 minutes. AAH! But then I am also doing the Literary Magazine, which is actually really exciting. I've been really really enjoying the heck out of myself. I am trying to be editor! wow big job I know, but it's helping me prioritize. And it's getting my creative juices flowing which is giving me more energy as a biproduct of it all. It's a nice project for me. Because I feel like I'm really doing something worth it in the end you know. So I feel like things have finally been falling into place for me in thta corner of my life. The only problem is I still dont know what I want to do with myself as a career. I was thinking ASPCA for a while, then Marine biology, then author, then Archeology, then Historian, then children's book illustrator, then graphic designer, and my latest epiphony at least for a temporary fix is joining the peace corps, that just seems so amazing for me. However I need to pick a carreer I'd be happy with for the rest of my days. I just can't seem to choose. I have so many things I want to do and none of them all blend together to make me happy. Sad thing is I am probably the most happy when I'm outside doing clean up or building something. Maybe I'll do some sort of landscape design and actually help build it as well as design it. ya know, bake my cake and eat it too. Never know.
But I guess all I'm trying to say is this winter break will be good for me. Give me time to think and hopefully, just maybe, I can come back with a clear mind and finish out the term with stellar grades and a kick ass plan. But for now I am ending this rant with a bit of advice. DON'T GET IN OVER YOUR HEAD!

Sincerely,

Drowning in my Abyss of Stress