I'm a big girl now

Can I really be a big girl? Or should I say, do I want to be a big girl? Lately all I've wanted to do was scream and cry and pitch whatever fit came to mind. It's been hard lately because of school stressing me out. I have 3 F's and that's insane for me. I'll have them up asap but for right now the idea of them being there is scaring me. So like I was saying...I want to have a good cry because everything seems to be falling apart. But yet people from my past I thought would never want to talk to me again have tried to speak to me. It's so weird. Two guys who I use to think were my best friends then they betrayed me and now they are apologizing and growing up. I'm proud of them for apologizing but I can't have them in my life again. It's not right, I'm too afraid of what will happen, and I have friends now that are better for me than they are. So why turn my back on my true friends for those two? It wouldnt make sense. I'm trying to keep my head above water and I think I at least can come up for gasps of air everyonce in a while. That's beter than drowning completely. I guess I've been trying to find the true me, but who is that person? She's not the little girl who use to jump on her grandma's couch, she's not the kid who tried to intimidate the other players in the keeper box, she's not the preteen who changed her clothes ten zillion times cuz she crushed on one of her brother's friends, and she's not the teenager who tries to do everything for everyone. Those are only small parts that make up who this person is and I am still on the journey to find out who I am. Maybe I'll never find out. Maybe I'll always wonder what kind of a person I am. Maybe I'll be like everyone else and conform? No. That's not me. I'm too different to conform. Even this blog is a non conformist act. Most conformists wouldn't tell out their heart and soul on the internet. But that's how I am. I need to vent sometimes.