The simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes. The soul can only take so much torture. The heart can only shatter so many times. It always as an extent, it always has a climax, that final point, when it crashes. When everything falls apart. The moment when you realized this little wish of yours that you were so desperate to have come true, the wish that was at the edge of your fingers, begging to be desired, is not going to come true. You are never going to know what it's like to have that love, that fairy tale. I wish I had known this before, I wish I had not had to hit that brick wall with so much intensity and momentum. I had led myself to believe that it could last, it would work through everything, it'd become a part of who I was. It'd be a peice of me that I could share. My ultimate fairy tale was almost in my grasp, dangling there. I was in denial of reality, love was blinding me. The reality was that I was not meant to have love, my soul was to be tortured once again and my heart was to be shattered. Except it would not only be mine that would be destroyed. I'd drag him right down with me. Not on purpose. But in the end that's how it would happen, I'd let myself fall back into reality and try to bring him with me. I was doing it to save his heart, if mine broke than so be it, but I would die to know I broke him. It would pain me to know that I had been one of the many who had slaughtered his dreams. I went about the steps of getting there all wrong, because I had already allowed myself to fall for this dream, for letting him fall for this dream, that neither of us could deny. We both clung to it, it was so much a part of us. I thought about it constantly. When I finally chose to break the news to him that technically this dream was not going to happen, that we needed to wake up from our fairy tale I shattered him. He had finally trusted again, believed in the idea of love. It was more than just a title again, it was finally something to live for, to dream for, to strive for, to risk everything for. But now because of me, I took that away...again. I took that last little spark inside of him. I feel terrible for it. I devastated him. I sent him flying into that brick wall attached to a rocket. I know I hurt him, he told me so. Instead of him hating me, he said he still loves me, that our friendship will outlast this, that we are going to be friends at the minimum. But to make my heart yern for him more was the fact that he told me I would never hurt him in the way I feel I did. I would never become one of those past girls in the life n' times of him. I would be something better than that. I would be special. That I am special. He tried to lift me up, and yet he tore me down. He questioned it all, he questioned this logical reality that threatened the very being of our relationship. He threatened me with not thinking, the figured I'd realize later that I made a mistake. My mistake was not in reminding him of reality, it was in letting myself and him escape this reality for the time I did. For what was only a day or so, felt like an eternity. i was thouroughly attached to him. The distance seemed to hold me back from ever commiting my heart and soul to this man and here I sit in my quiet desperation still wishing that I could turn back time. That I could stop myself from ever telling him how I felt, save him from this pain that I feel so deep inside me. This pain I only spread to him like the plague. The hurt that I could only give and couldn't take from him. I want to know what it's like to be able to pledge everything I am to someone. I want to know when it's okay to say I love you and not be repremended for it later. Not to have my dreams shatter because that's what helps us live. Dreams help us succeed. Without them nothing would get done. I just wish that the tears would stop flowing from my eyes everytime I think of him, of us, of what could have been. What I wished for, what he dreamed of. What we wanted. Could I ever have that back? I hope so. He says it won't ever happen again. He's too afraid to trust it now, that he can't believe in it anymore. I wish I could be that cynical and pessimistic, just write it off. But I can't hold it inside and brood it, hide it from the world the way he does. He's so good at that. I am jealous of his ability to hide. I want to hide too ya know!? Can someone release me from this hellish prison I hold myself captive in? Can a simple wish really turn into such a big mess? Can a few words really change a friendship forever? Can a burning passion for each other really be put out by a simple distance? Could I really get passed all this pain without losing a part of myself? I hope so. But for as long as I live I will forever remember that the simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes.
Story belongs to Skippy, copying is Illegal without permission!
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