Letting Go

Running through the neighborhood,
To tell my latest tale,
Of romance and or heartbreak,
Of saintly deeds and sin.

I use to tell you everything,
Secrets between friends,
A way to vent our emotions,
An escape from all our woes.

I depended on you for kindness,
For ways to make me laugh,
I was there for you through hardship,
From boyfriends down to death.

But in the end it was not enough,
You walked away so fast,
Spreading rumors and stupid lies,
I was only left to ask:

What happened to my friend,
The one I held so dear,
The shoulder there to cry on,
The jokes to make me smile?

I miss that dear old friend,
But this is truly how it goes,
I walk away forever,
Saying goodbye,
From now on letting go.

I think of him, I cry, I hear his name, I cry, I hear his voice and I break down. It's impossible to sustain sanity in a situation like this. I'm completely overwhelmed by the fact that I thought both of us needed the break, we both wanted it and in the end he didn't want or need it at all. I was the one who was unsure, I was the one who pushed him away from me. Why? I was branded, why'd I give up? It's like I carved the brand right out of my skin and handed it over. I don't understand why my body aches for him, I still want to be with him, I want to feel his lips pressed against mine. To feel his arms hold me tight. But I can't go backwards, now is the time to look forward but never forget. I've cried more this last week than I have in my entire life. It's almost a constant flow of tears. If people are around I hold it in. I hide, my mask of innocence and strength are up and no one sees my pain. But lock the door and close the blinds and that's when I fall apart. I'm so weak, my heart has shattered into a million peices and I'm the reason that he's gone. I couldn't do what I promised. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't be there for him the way he needed me. And for that I am deeply sorry. I wish I could just forget, wipe every memory out of my mind forever...no I don't what am I saying? Forget everything? I don't regret anything that happend between us. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, and instead of heading towards it I ran away. I turned around and left that tunnel, in consequence I was hit by the next upcoming semi which was labeled Logic and Reality Co. Can I really be so naive as to believe that it would have all fixed itself over time? Of course not. And now he has given up and there are no second chances. He's gone, but only to a certain degree. He is my friend, but this weekend with him over was akward. I shouldn't have said yes, I wasn't ready. I cried in my room, or in the bathroom, and he'd only be right down stairs. If he listend hard enough he probably could have heard my sobs. I'm a wreck but I cannot and will not go backwards. I am a strong independent woman. And for this reason is why I can stand on my own. He is my friend and in time my wounds will heal.

The Sacrament-HIM (I <3 this song!)

The Sacrament
HIM
Love Metal
-----------------------------

I hear you breathe so far from me
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
It's glory lies beyond judgment of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


I hear you weep so far from me
I taste your tears like you're next to me
And I know
That my weak prayers are not enough to heal
All the ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sacrament is you
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament is you
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I am branded...forever his

I think of him, my body tingles, he touches my skin, I shiver, he kisses my lips, I quake. Everything about him I react to, I can't help but feel the pull he has on my heart. He used his lasso of charm and wrapped it around my heart, I've been pulled too close. So close to a point I don't want to be set free. I've been branded. Give me time and I'll show you what I mean, or I should say, give it time and you will feel what I mean. One day someone will come along and sweep you off your feet and you will understand what I mean by the lasso of charm, that you feel branded. The thing is, you are willing to be branded, you asked for it. You walked foward, arms outstretched, your wrists bared to the flame. You skin fresh to the seering pain that will come when he brands your skin. The difference her is that pain, that burning sensation that the burn brings, comes attached with the feelings of love, happiness, tingles, shivers, and wants. It burns into your skin and you watch, you watch as you change, but only enough to be his. You are still the you he fell in love with, the you he wanted your brand from. It's a give and take. You must cooperate in order for it to work.

You must risk, everything and nothing. They don't ask for you to give up a thing but you sacrifice it all. Only to realize when things get bad that you blame them for your sacrifices. They did not ask, you just did it. Don't do it, unless you know you won't fully blame them. I risk it all, each and everyday for him. He is my everything, I admit that.
I may not have the permission from the parentals, so technically I am single, but my heart is taken. I am not some little girl who can't think for herself. My heart has galivanted off and into his arms.

He holds me sometimes, and when he does I never want to move. I never want to feel anything else. He keeps me safe, he knows what I need, what I want. He knows that the blood in my veins races for him, it sprints faster everytime he gets close enough that I can feel his breath. I think he knows that with one little push I'd fall in love, and I'd never get up.
The only problem with this is my logic, I must have control of myself, the situation, and everything sometimes. The problem with falling in love is you don't have complete control, you must give some of it up in order to feel anything. I have given up some of my control and I scare myself with that lack of control more often than not.

I've given up on having control. I'm deciding now that I have fallen in love. I'm letting my heart control it. It's time now to realize this. We will find a way through it all. Even when I go away to college, even when everything changes because I'm not in school, or because we are both working, no matter what I will have him. Even if it's just as friends he will be in my life.

It's like what Meg from Hercules says:

"At least outloud I won't say I'm in love."

Except I can say it outloud. I can believe in it all.

I AM IN LOVE! I AM IN LOVE WITH NATHAN FERNANDEZ!!!

Say you will

Yes this song is a Bella and Edward video but that is not the point. The point is the song, what it says, what it means to me.
I've waited so long to see him, so long to just hold him in my arms and know that it's real. To know that he is actually here. I know he is here but I haven't been able to see him to prove every last doubt in my heart. He said he'd see me within the first couple days of his arrival. I still haven't seen him. It's tearing me apart inside. It's bringing back all the ghosts my logic hides in the shadows. They sit and watch as I pull my heart out on a silver platter. It waits until I'm vulnerabe and waiting, when the final detail is so close but my vulnerability by waiting for it is even closer. It will strike, the ghosts will come and haunt me and I will want him more, but I will doubt him more. I almost doubt if I haven't imagined this past year that I've known him. I feel like maybe he doesn't exist. This reality I sit in doesn't exist. Why? Why? That horrible word that haunts my soul. I can't answer it. Only he can. He can answer that question, he can patch me up. He can lie to me, and say he will. He can show me everything that I've waited for. But I just haven't seen it yet. I've heard his words, I've dreamed the dreams, I've sat in the shadows and tortured my heart until I couldn't take it anymore just to see him. I even broke down on friday, I couldn't stop crying, it was an impossibility I swear. I just didn't understand why I couldn't see him and that was only after one day. I don't know where I'll be if I don't see him soon. I need him. It's almost like he is my drug and I am addicted. He truly is my reason to live it seems. And even though I will only be able to be 'friends' until I am 18. Only until January 2010 will I have to wait. But I at least need to see him, to touch him, to hear his voice in front of me and know that he really is there. He really is waiting for me.

The Story(LONG!)

The door slams as the sobs break the silent air that fills her room. Her heart is breaking and all she can do is sit there and take it because she knows they are right. No matter what she thinks of to deny their words it is the truth, it's everything her heart has been hiding from her. She knows better than to let herself get caught up in such painful but amazing situations such as this, she's tried before and it didnt end well. So why would she even dream of trying again? It's because she wishes of a world far better than the one that she is trapped in. She is shackled to the same old drama that comes into her life in as much of a routine as the need to breath.
As the tears stream down her face, flowing from her eyes just as fast as the lightning cracks through the night sky, she stumbles across her frozen, desolute bedroom. Fumbling with the CDs, dropping the papers, and throwing the watch. The precious watch, a subconcious thought hopes it hasn't broken, but at the moment she could care less. She just wants to blast out her pain, drown out her sorrow with the strings on the guitar, the slam of the drums, the echo of his voice.
Her heart is shattering into a thousand peices and she can barely breath. The sobs grip her throat harder than she ever thought possible, it's almost as if her lungs have cut her off from reality. The music fills the air and she collapses upon her bed. Her face burried in her burgendy comforter, her fists balled up the silken fabric of her pillow case, but no matter how tight she grips at it she can't seem to release the anger and sorrow inside of her. It was all falling down around her and she couldn't change a thing. She wouldn't be able to fix a damn thing because it was all her fault. She had made the choice and now she was lost and denied her right to love. To love him.
The words, they filled her mind, the yelling, the pleading, the denial, the rejection, the heartbreak. She couldn't think of a single word that would change their minds. She knew they accepted it, but that right now there was no way it would happen. Her right to love him would not come for another year, why test a friendship that's made it through every hell that the Gods and Goddesses could think of? Because it's the only thing to prove to this poor girl that he might be her knight in shining armor. She knew it but she had to prove it to them.
She curled up on her bed, breaking apart inside, desperate to hear the words that would reassure her of the sanity of this situation. Calm her of all her pain. And then they came, through the speakers, through the music, filling her ears but it only made her cry more. Remember when we stayed up late and we talked all night in the dark room lit by the tv light. The memory, the lyrics had triggered that memory inside of her when they had talked about all their dreams, about the hopes, the plans. Everything that they wanted to do so badly, that it would have only been a month of waiting to cling to such a dream. Now though, it was different, he'd be there in front of her in a month, but the dreams they had built up that night, the promise their laughter had made, it wouldn't come true for another year. Why would they torture her so?
I remember when we use to laugh, and I wish those nights would last. They would come back to her one day, but now was not that time. She sat up and tried to wipe the tears away but it seemed that it just opened the flood gates even more as a new song flooded the room. I was sitting there in my room, waiting for you, you were waiting for me too. And it makes me wonder, the older I get will I get over it?
The lyrics struck her hard, only digging the wound in her chest deeper, causing even more pain to erupt inside of her. She threw the remote across the room and it seemed to be a sign for her because the T.V. shut off. Climbing out of her bed she dashed from her room and into the bathroom. Blasting the radio in their the music that played was sad and sultry, but showed no emotion, it wasn't to display a message it was just to get a hit. Perfect. She didn't want to feel anything, she just wanted to be numb.
The shower burned her skin, she knew she wasn't going to feel a thing when this was done. She had turned the hot water up and the cold water only enough as to not actually burn herself. She just wanted the feeling not the actual burn. The water lacing down her skin, hiding her tears, she felt safe. No one could come in to hurt her again, she was alone with her thoughts and the pain she felt. Her screams were drowned out by the emotionless music. Her body shivered under the beating of the water but it wasn't cold, it was scalding hot. She wanted to feel the heat, the warmth that only he could have given her if he had been there to prove their love to them. If he had been at her side arguing their case just as hard as she had been.
When the water would begin to feel cold she'd turn the heat up more. Until finally it ran out. She stepped out, wrapping the towel around herself and pulling on her blue tshirt and purple plaid pajamas. She felt comfortable, but it didn't feel right. Nothing felt normal, those were the pajamas she depended on when she needed comfort but they didn't fill the gaping hole inside of her.
After removing herself from the steam filled bathroom, she locked herself in her room. The phone gripped in one hand, her heart in the other. She dialed his number and waited for his voice, waited to deliver the devastating news that would shatter his heart, then she'd help him through it. Reassure him of thier love even though he hadn't been able to for her, because he hadn't known yet. She didn't blame him, only herself. The ringing seemed to echo on and on and on, but then he answered. It sounded so faded, so distant, as if she wouldnt know how to handle herself when he answered she had to give herself a light slap on the face. Come back to reality.
"Yello?" His voice was always so cheery, a sultry sweet calm, she could never resist the urge to smile when he'd talk to her. He filled her heart with a bit of joy but that only increased the pain when she thought about what she'd have to tell him.
"They said no."She sobbed into the phone. Trying to hide the fact that she was crying. She didn't want him to hear her pain, she was always so brave for him, his little soldier. Why would she show him this weak side now? Now when all that was left was to be strong. "They said once I'm 18 then we would have their blessing."
"I understand." He mumbled, he actually understood? How? She didn't even get it. "They just want you safe, the same as I do. And I know that they approve of us or they wouldn't agree to their blessing when you are 18." Oh, now it all made sense, it wasn't them at all, it wasn't him that was causing the rejection.
"They said it's because of the age difference and my innocence being so precious right now." She tried to hold back the sobs again, keep him from noticing her weakness. "Three years shouldn't be such an issue. Why?" She almost lost her control at the last question but a quick recovering was made.
"Then it isn't me that they hate. We'll be okay love. It's a test. We must prove to them that our love is stronger than a year's time." She nodded to herself and mumbled a tone of agreement. She hated how calm he was about it, she loved it at the same time. He was so right, why hadn't she understood before? The pain still gripped at her but he dulled it with his words. He still loved her, he wasn't pushing her away because of her parents. He still cared. He really wasn't like the rest of them.
The rest of the night was spent with his words soothing her, distracting her while her heart began to heal. She would almost drift off to sleep and he'd patiently talk to her and his voice would awaken her. She mumble sorry and he'd tell her it was okay and that he thought it was cute. She seemed so precious to him, she'd never felt like this before. When she finally hung up the phone that night the pain had dissapeared. He had fixed her hole in her heart. He had mended her wounds and kept all the promises their laughter had made.
That year would feel like forever sometimes, but once he was infront of her at the end of that month, they would wait for that year to pass together.
She was really a wild horse, and he was truly the lone wolf, but in that moment it was when the wild horse could finally fall in love with her lone wolf.

Lyrics are by Skillet!

Story is property of Skippy, copying is Illegal without permssion!

My Simple Mistake

The simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes. The soul can only take so much torture. The heart can only shatter so many times. It always as an extent, it always has a climax, that final point, when it crashes. When everything falls apart. The moment when you realized this little wish of yours that you were so desperate to have come true, the wish that was at the edge of your fingers, begging to be desired, is not going to come true. You are never going to know what it's like to have that love, that fairy tale. I wish I had known this before, I wish I had not had to hit that brick wall with so much intensity and momentum. I had led myself to believe that it could last, it would work through everything, it'd become a part of who I was. It'd be a peice of me that I could share. My ultimate fairy tale was almost in my grasp, dangling there. I was in denial of reality, love was blinding me. The reality was that I was not meant to have love, my soul was to be tortured once again and my heart was to be shattered. Except it would not only be mine that would be destroyed. I'd drag him right down with me. Not on purpose. But in the end that's how it would happen, I'd let myself fall back into reality and try to bring him with me. I was doing it to save his heart, if mine broke than so be it, but I would die to know I broke him. It would pain me to know that I had been one of the many who had slaughtered his dreams. I went about the steps of getting there all wrong, because I had already allowed myself to fall for this dream, for letting him fall for this dream, that neither of us could deny. We both clung to it, it was so much a part of us. I thought about it constantly. When I finally chose to break the news to him that technically this dream was not going to happen, that we needed to wake up from our fairy tale I shattered him. He had finally trusted again, believed in the idea of love. It was more than just a title again, it was finally something to live for, to dream for, to strive for, to risk everything for. But now because of me, I took that away...again. I took that last little spark inside of him. I feel terrible for it. I devastated him. I sent him flying into that brick wall attached to a rocket. I know I hurt him, he told me so. Instead of him hating me, he said he still loves me, that our friendship will outlast this, that we are going to be friends at the minimum. But to make my heart yern for him more was the fact that he told me I would never hurt him in the way I feel I did. I would never become one of those past girls in the life n' times of him. I would be something better than that. I would be special. That I am special. He tried to lift me up, and yet he tore me down. He questioned it all, he questioned this logical reality that threatened the very being of our relationship. He threatened me with not thinking, the figured I'd realize later that I made a mistake. My mistake was not in reminding him of reality, it was in letting myself and him escape this reality for the time I did. For what was only a day or so, felt like an eternity. i was thouroughly attached to him. The distance seemed to hold me back from ever commiting my heart and soul to this man and here I sit in my quiet desperation still wishing that I could turn back time. That I could stop myself from ever telling him how I felt, save him from this pain that I feel so deep inside me. This pain I only spread to him like the plague. The hurt that I could only give and couldn't take from him. I want to know what it's like to be able to pledge everything I am to someone. I want to know when it's okay to say I love you and not be repremended for it later. Not to have my dreams shatter because that's what helps us live. Dreams help us succeed. Without them nothing would get done. I just wish that the tears would stop flowing from my eyes everytime I think of him, of us, of what could have been. What I wished for, what he dreamed of. What we wanted. Could I ever have that back? I hope so. He says it won't ever happen again. He's too afraid to trust it now, that he can't believe in it anymore. I wish I could be that cynical and pessimistic, just write it off. But I can't hold it inside and brood it, hide it from the world the way he does. He's so good at that. I am jealous of his ability to hide. I want to hide too ya know!? Can someone release me from this hellish prison I hold myself captive in? Can a simple wish really turn into such a big mess? Can a few words really change a friendship forever? Can a burning passion for each other really be put out by a simple distance? Could I really get passed all this pain without losing a part of myself? I hope so. But for as long as I live I will forever remember that the simplist of wishes can turn into the biggest of mistakes.

Story belongs to Skippy, copying is Illegal without permission!