Me in Quotes

Giving Up.

Have you ever wondered why so many girls are heartbroken and just dont trust? It's because the guys that say they are 'good guys' and will be there for you, and will hold you are the ones that desert you and are the ones that break your heart. I'm sorry to all the guys out there that really are good, who really are the ones that mean every word they say and we don't trust you. It's because we are afraid to lose what you've given us, but we lose it in the end because we are afraid that it's not real. It's confusing and a bit contradictory but we try. At least have some patience. I know I'm sick of the guys that tell you they will wipe away your tears but they are the ones who make you cry, the ones that say they'll take away all your fears but they are why you have nightmares. I hate the guys that say you are their best friend, your 'lil sis' but then when you really need that big brother they are jerks and blow you off. I'm sick of the guys who tell you that you are their world but then turn around and tell that to the next blonde that walks down the street. I hate the guys that tell you to tear down your walls to let them in and as soon as they do they plant a nuke and make sure they are far enough away so they can watch the explosion but not get hit by any of the after effects. I'm sick of guys who tell you they will go at your pace, and that sex isn't all that they are after but leave you after a month cause they haven't gotten laid or they force themselves on you because they 'neeed' it so bad or they guilt you into it, they pull the "you'll do this if you love me' card. Boy does that get you a no fast in my book. You tell me whether or not I love you and that will get you a boot to the face and send you out the door. I'm sorry, but like the great Pat Benatar says "Stop using sex as a weapon." I just want a guy who will say and mean what he says, who will give me the time of day even if we don't work out. Who will show just as much of himself to me as I do to him. And I don't mean sexually, I mean emotionally. Drop as many barriers as I do. Let me see him vulnerable instead of the other way around. Love is giving someone your heart and trusting them not to break it. I'm just sick of having to pick up the shattered peices, tape it back together and realize that I don't have all the shards to give to the next guy who says he will mend my broken heart. I'm done with that. I just feel like giving up, I just don't want to try and compete with supermodels to get a guys attention. I'm not thin, I have curves, I have a brain, I have a mind of my own, I am independent and if guys don't like that well then I don't know where society has come to because last I checked being yourself was suppose to be important. Well wish me luck on my journey of finding someone. I don't know if I ever will. Seems useless to me right now. ^_^ However I am happy for all those who have found that special someone. I am not bitter against you at all, jealous at times, but not bitter. You just found one of the lucky ones.

Property of Skippy, copying without permission is ILLEGAL!

I'm a big girl now

Can I really be a big girl? Or should I say, do I want to be a big girl? Lately all I've wanted to do was scream and cry and pitch whatever fit came to mind. It's been hard lately because of school stressing me out. I have 3 F's and that's insane for me. I'll have them up asap but for right now the idea of them being there is scaring me. So like I was saying...I want to have a good cry because everything seems to be falling apart. But yet people from my past I thought would never want to talk to me again have tried to speak to me. It's so weird. Two guys who I use to think were my best friends then they betrayed me and now they are apologizing and growing up. I'm proud of them for apologizing but I can't have them in my life again. It's not right, I'm too afraid of what will happen, and I have friends now that are better for me than they are. So why turn my back on my true friends for those two? It wouldnt make sense. I'm trying to keep my head above water and I think I at least can come up for gasps of air everyonce in a while. That's beter than drowning completely. I guess I've been trying to find the true me, but who is that person? She's not the little girl who use to jump on her grandma's couch, she's not the kid who tried to intimidate the other players in the keeper box, she's not the preteen who changed her clothes ten zillion times cuz she crushed on one of her brother's friends, and she's not the teenager who tries to do everything for everyone. Those are only small parts that make up who this person is and I am still on the journey to find out who I am. Maybe I'll never find out. Maybe I'll always wonder what kind of a person I am. Maybe I'll be like everyone else and conform? No. That's not me. I'm too different to conform. Even this blog is a non conformist act. Most conformists wouldn't tell out their heart and soul on the internet. But that's how I am. I need to vent sometimes.

Dear Mr. President-Pink

Can we all be happy we have a new president who actually cares? Yes.

Drowning

A need to confess, it seems that I can only dig this hole deeper and deeper. No matter how many times I try to dig myself out I end up just as deep as before if not deeper. I can't help it. And sides, even though I try to keep my mouth shut and just keep every thought I have to myself I have issues with that sometimes. I'm extremely outspoken and it's a bit difficult for someone such as myself not to say what I feel. It's how I am, it's how I've been raised. But anyway, back to the hole I keep digging. Everyone assumes that because I smile, or because I show my opinions, or because I have all these hopes and dreams I'm some marvelous person to look up to, well guess what...I don't think I am. I mean I could sit here and go on and on about all my acheivements and how many people I've helped in my life. How many people have told me I've "saved their life" well I don't think I have. I mean I know I've helped people, it's what I've always done. It's again a part of who I am. I help. But everywhere I go my family brags about my grades, about my goals for college, about my plans in life, how good I am, how I'm not like every other cliche teenager. The only thing is I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get my head above water. I take on too much. If it's not someone's emotional burden it's my own emotions, or it's my financial troubles, or it's even social issues, or school, or trying to find time for all my friends, family, and have enough time in all of this just to relax. I swear my only time to relax is when I take a shower and even sometimes I have to take a really quick one so I can't relax. It's driving me up a wall. And of course everytime I let down my defenses and let my parents see how stressed I am, how up a river without a paddle I am, they tell me they can pull me out of my school and into a different one but that would kill me. I've never been in a public highschool before. I wouldn't know what to do. And besides, I went to my school for the fact that 1: My old school was way too EASY, and 2: I HATE drama! So then I tell my parents I can handle it. Which really I can, but I sometimes feel like I'm failing them, they put so much faith in me and then I don't take early college, how lame is that? I just don't feel ready yet. Maybe my senior year I'll take a butt load and get a bunch done. maybe some online stuff instead of in class, maybe that will be better for me. It could help. But now I've finally decided that I needed to prioritize what I am doing with myself and my life and I decided that what is best for me and my sanity is to drop being president of realms, it's been fun and all but I can't handle it. I need time to breath, and realms was originally a hobby. It was a place for me to beat out my stress, but I can't seem to do that anymore because I have to help run the practice, I have to deal with drama, I have to run things through the school, therefore I am resigning and giving the power to my two vice presidents, soon as possible. I have been stupid and have only added onto my stress. I am going to be trying to participate in an oratorical contest in the beginning of january, but I don't feel anywhere close to ready. It's way hard, and I'm scared of trying to get in front of the judges and talk for 10 minutes. AAH! But then I am also doing the Literary Magazine, which is actually really exciting. I've been really really enjoying the heck out of myself. I am trying to be editor! wow big job I know, but it's helping me prioritize. And it's getting my creative juices flowing which is giving me more energy as a biproduct of it all. It's a nice project for me. Because I feel like I'm really doing something worth it in the end you know. So I feel like things have finally been falling into place for me in thta corner of my life. The only problem is I still dont know what I want to do with myself as a career. I was thinking ASPCA for a while, then Marine biology, then author, then Archeology, then Historian, then children's book illustrator, then graphic designer, and my latest epiphony at least for a temporary fix is joining the peace corps, that just seems so amazing for me. However I need to pick a carreer I'd be happy with for the rest of my days. I just can't seem to choose. I have so many things I want to do and none of them all blend together to make me happy. Sad thing is I am probably the most happy when I'm outside doing clean up or building something. Maybe I'll do some sort of landscape design and actually help build it as well as design it. ya know, bake my cake and eat it too. Never know.
But I guess all I'm trying to say is this winter break will be good for me. Give me time to think and hopefully, just maybe, I can come back with a clear mind and finish out the term with stellar grades and a kick ass plan. But for now I am ending this rant with a bit of advice. DON'T GET IN OVER YOUR HEAD!

Sincerely,

Drowning in my Abyss of Stress