Stone and Mortar

New Poem. Not sure if there is a specific person in mind with this poem, or if it is simply a collection of past. There really isn't any rhyme or rhythm to the poem so don't try and find it. It's not even a poem really, it's more just a collection of thought. So I hope you enjoy. Leave comments. Etc. <3







One scar at a time



I built up the walls



each brick a cut-



that you left on my heart.



Each tear I shed,



the mortar to hold it in place



but each time you smiled at me,



a brick fell away.



I tore down my castle



to let in your light,



to bring in the sun,



but soon darkness descended,



and hatred consumed me,



as my walls caved in.



The flood gates had opened



and pain rushed in,



drowning in sorrows



choking on sins.



I reached for your hands,



my salvation incarnate,



but instead of my safety



wrapped up in your arms,



I was left there to die,



your smile no longer a place I could find,



but only the monster I had feared would burn me alive.



I rebuilt my walls,



each cut was a brick,



each bruise a support,



and tears as my morter.



Now it is stronger,



no longer can you find a way in.



I can't trust those eyes,



or your sickening smile.



Now you are back,



asking to let my hair down.



this is no fairy tale,



but if you insist,



I'll show you just how much it hurts to resist.



My archers take guard,



armed with words that can sting



and syllables to kill.



My walls are invincible,



can't you see?



I built them to be love proof,



the moment you hurt me.

It's over

"Screaming and then silence" To anyone else that phrase would be one of the best jokes on a cheesy youtube cartoon, but to me it's my nightly ritual. I awaken from nightmares and even dreams this way. My body sky rockets out of bed, clinging to his hat, my voice echoing through my empty room. I am alone there. He is not with me. Only his hat to keep me company. An inanimate object, no good for conversation, only a reminder of what will never be. I rest my head back against the pillows, the soft cotton enveloping me. As I close my eyes I wonder, I let my mind go back and analyze, analyze what the dream meant, or even let myself wish to be back there. Back to where I can see his face, to hear his voice or what I remember of it. I wish to go back to the before, when the biggest adrenaline rush was just knowing that he would be in Utah, he would be home. Back when it was looking forward to seeing my best friend, and before his voice made my head spin, his touch made my body ache and his name sent chills down my spine. If I could return to when things were innocent, when I was ignorant of the joy that shown in my smile and what it truly meant. Before I figured it out, before I fought, before I picked up my verbal sword and shield and tried for the impossible. I would give anything to back to perfection, the perfect friendship, the best of friends, attached at the hip at any event, desperately hugging each other when it was time for him to leave. Now I fear. I fear that he sees me in a different light, that he will eventually abandon me, that I am alone and without my best friend to protect me. My dreams lead me down a road of destruction, a road towards him. He is my destruction and my salvation. I went 7 days without speaking to him, 7 moons I spent waking up to my own terror, 7 suns of wishing I could hear his voice, 7 dreams repeating themselves, 7 nightmares I wish I could forget, 7 desperate pleas for help, 7 is a number I will never forget. I'm feared what would happen when my 7 days of silence had finally ended. I had feared that when we finally spoke it would be him saying goodbye. Instead he called me, told me it was good to hear my voice and that he missed me. My best friend still wished me the best, still wanted to be a part of my life, even though I had hurt him, had almost destroyed his relationship with his one true love, and had almost destroyed myself in the process he still cared. I thought I had lost him forever, my giant would never be around again, but no, I was wrong. He came back, as best he could. Distance being our only setback. I care for him deeply. I love him with all of my heart. And every time I think of how much I love him, and with how much of my soul I poured into convincing him I loved him, it breaks my heart to think of him. Instead of the name Tasadar reminding me to work on my book, it shatters my heart, it reminds me that my great leader is gone. Instead of the name Taco making me laugh and crave food, I cringe to know I'm not "taco's girl", instead of the name Josh reminding me I know too many people by that name, I hear it and all I think of is him even if HE isn't who they are talking about. I hold back tears at the thought of losing him. I want to scream at the world when I think of all the words he said to me, all the promises he made, and all the lies they turned out to be. I want to drive down there and slap him, kiss him, scream at him and beg him to come home. But he is home, his home is not in my arms but in hers. I have never been the jealous type, but she is the only woman I will ever be jealous of. Because my best friend is hers, she has the best man on this planet. She has a soul that fits perfectly with mine. My heart yearns for answers, for him to just tell me he still means every word he said. But is it possible? When I lost him 3 times in one week? Is it possible for those words to be true? Can he love more than one person? Or am I an infatuation when times get tough? Am I just a figment of his fleeting heart's imagination? Can I really exist to a man if I am only a shoulder to cry on or one of the guys? Will ever there be a man who puts me first? When will I be someone's leading lady? I guess for now my answer is never. I guess for now I tuck myself into bed and pray that i don't wake up holding that hat. I guess I just live with the regret, live with the pain, and just try and heal slowly but surely. Let every note of music take away the hurt. And let my world slowly put itself back together. He will always be a part of me. He will always remind me of a past I could not make a future. I am done fighting, I'm done losing, and I'm done waking up to a tear stained pillow and a room filled with shattered dreams. I am alone. I am free. I am me.

I Dare You

I dare you

to kiss me

make me believe

wipe away my tears

strip me of my doubts

prove the world wrong

become the man you want to be

tell me your secrets

keep all of mine

shed a tear or two

be my best friend.

I dare you

to change the world

stand by my side

hold my hand

steal my heart

and treat it right.

I dare you

to burn my fear

scream at the happiness

laugh at the pain

scratch out the past

clean off your slate.

I dare you

to find who you are

embrace your life

struggle a little

find the better side

give yourself time

heal your wounds

do not obsess

worry less

come on,

I dare you.

Samhain

I was going to stand by South, passion, fire, gecko, watchtower, it was the place I felt the most connection to, at least that's what I thought. I had stood next to Ron at Yule, his energy holds the strength of a thousand warriors, but the gentleness of a father's touch to his newborn child. It's a contradiction within itself, but yet he helped me through Yule, my first circle.

So today I was going to stand by Griff, to my left, and Stephanie ,on my right, my Brother and my Aunt. At least that's how I see them, they are not related to me by blood, but deep down they are family. I knew they'd be there for me if the circle became too much. Griff would wrap his arm around me, and Steph would hold my hand, so I knew I was safe by South. However, they had other plans.

"Skippy, can you go stand by West with Ashlynne and Thea?" I had originally been starring down at my shoes, my black and purple converse, wondering why I felt like I needed to take them off, they were suddenly uncomfortable. My name, I had heard it, my head snapped up and I answered without realizing what I was answering to. Then my brain caught up.

You are going to move? I thought you needed Griff and Steph next to you? What changed your mind? My mind screamed at me for a moment.

"Things just change." I whispered back, no one heard me as I held my head up high and walked clockwise towards West.

Ashelynne has always felt like a sister, that Kindred Spirit that for some reason connects with your soul, the person you can't forget that connection with. When you are cleaning or cooking or dancing, you wish you could have that same grace that she possesses, but I'm a clutz, a curse I must deal with. I'll just live with being good at drawing and sports. That's fine with me. Thea was another of the Aunts I had adopted since coming into the light of the farm. I knew they'd be my support, but I wasn't use to standing by West. I had felt the greatest connections when we were calling East and South at Yule. So I had no idea what connection I'd feel standing between North and West.

Again I stared down at my shoes, and decided I'd just take them off. Leaning down to untie the laces I noticed that they were already loose, I guess that'd be why they were uncomfortable, you feet shouldn't move that much in a hightop. I shrugged my shoulders and felt my tight little black jacket slip from my shoulders. "Well I guess that's coming off too. I might as well strip." I giggled slightly. I peeled off my jacket, like I had said, skin tight, that jacket wasn't easy to take off, and kicked off my shoes. The purple scale peace signs on the outside of them faced towards the circle. "We come in peace." I whispered to myself, laughing at my slight E.T. reference, at least I hadn't wanted to phone home yet.

Now that everyone had gathered, and Griff and myself had both been moved to new spots, he was over by East and North now-- at least he was in my direct sight of vision if I ever needed him, or he needed me. Nana and Aggie asked everyone to quiet down, close our eyes and to breath deeply. Immediatly my hands fell to my sides, my lids slammed shut, and my body brought in as much air as my lungs could handle before slowly letting the air seep through my slightly parted lips. Even that held energy. As Nana spoke, telling us to feel the cord at the back of our necks pulling away our stress, relieving us of life's challenges I felt like my body was going to be sucked through the floor. (It was like the movie Ghost Dad with Bill Cosby when he hasn't learned to stand on solid objects.) I smiled faintly and let my body relax, things would be good tonight, this would be right for me, I would not stress about school, friends, family, or work. I was here to give unto others and recieve as well. I let the cord pull me down, imagining myself slipping through the mossy green carpet, the wooden floorboards bending to my will as the Earth took me in, cradeling me in her arms for the few moments she would let me.

When I opened my eyes I wasn't in Earth's gentle arms, I was back in the living room and Evan had began his call to East. Immediatly I felt the rush of words and drawings rush over my body, my left hand slightly shaking from the Energy that collided into my body. That connection with East was still as strong as it had been at Yule if not stronger, the air swept across my face, in my mind my hair was billowing behind me. Then we all turned to the right as Steph began to call South to the circle. The fire erupted in my heart and immediatly a bead of sweat rolled down the side of my face, I wiped it away with my right hand and let myself burn, imagining myself on the edge of a castle, letting the sun beat across my face, knowing that later the sunburn would kill, but reveling in the serenity that it brought me at that time. I felt every one turn and my body continued with them, now Ashe was calling West. I knew the energy would be immense, but I wasn't ready for what came towards me. West represents emotion, I know I'm emotional, and I also know that standing nearer to the caller is extremely powerful. So when I felt the tidle wave rush over me, and inside my body flipping through the waves, my lungs compressing trying to hold on, tears immediatly welled into my eyes. I had to open my eyes, press my hand against my chest and take in a deep breath before I turned to listen to Maeda call North. I closed my eyes and raised my receiving hand, the grass of the meadow brushed against my legs, I let my body lean back and felt the bark of a mighty oak holding me up, I could relax and feel safe underneath that oak. North was justice but for me it meant security.
So mote it be. I whispered four times over in the initial opening of the circle. I could feel the energy flowing around us, it was already amazing. They asked the callers how they entered the circle, and each answered "In perfect love, and perfect trust." I knew this to be true, with each answer of perfect love and perfect trust I felt more and more at peace, my heart calming down, my body relaxing. Now it was my turn, I brushed back my bangs and Ashlynne held the bowl of water in front of me.
"How do you enter the circle?" She whispered. I lifted my chin and smiled. "In perfect love and perfect trust." The energy flowed through my as she drew and kissed my forehead. I knew I was safe here, they would protect me.

Some moments of the circle are clearer than others, the energy sometimes was too immense to keep my eyes open, or to hear what others were saying, or even to know how to breath. I felt like a blonde, Breath in. Breath out. I knew I was crying, I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, I could feel my heart race, and I could hear my sniffles as I tried to calm down. I wasn't embarrassed for crying, everyone had shed at least a tear throughout the circle. I looked across the circle, even Griff, my brave brother, had shed a few tears. I knew why he shed those tears, I could sense who was with him, who was with everyone. I didn't understand most of the spirits that had hung around our group. I was close with these people, but only Griff I understood exactly who was with him. In that same moment I felt a chill run across my shoulder, the small of my back, my arm, and slightly against my shoulder blades. They were with me, Uncle Rick, Tess, John, Nicky, and my Grandma Gee Gee. There were more with me, an elderly couple, a young child, and a teen. I was unsure as to who they were until I later described the experience to my mom. The unknown spirits were my great grandparents, my cousin Michelle, and my Uncle Dana, all who I had been told about, but none who I had ever met. When I learned this I wish that my Grandpa Bob had been there, but didn't come when I called for him. He's happy now, he knew I'd be okay without him.

When I felt all the spirits around me, and my connections with Rick, Tess, Nicky and John, I started to ball. The tears came faster now, a waterfall of emotion. Ashelynne and Thea were both crying, and we all held each other, our hands on each others backs, or our hands together. Their energy and mine flowed in and out, the heat and the cold contradicting each other. I was so shakey sometimes I'd kneel, sometimes I wanted to pass out, but all I knew for sure was that I needed to make it through this circle. I had too much I needed to do.

The veil between this world and the next is thinnest on the night that is Samhain, I understood this and knew that I had to get rid of some unneccessary pain and let them rest in peace. I was allowed to say a few things so I stepped forward. My uncle rick giving me a slight squeeze on my shoulder before letting me step up. John however, didn't let go. He stayed with me, I knew this was for him, but I had to release others as well. I forgave those who had trespassed upon myself and others, for those who had died and I had never met. When I said that, Dana, my great grandparents and Michelle all left. Ashelynne and Thea's hands were still pressed to my back and I felt their energy helping me through this. I took a deep breath.

John stayed close to me, so I decided to tell them all my secret. I started crying even harder when I realized what I had to do. I was going to let go of John, I had held onto him so often, calling him to me, asking for his help, yelling at him when he wouldn't come, and rejoicing when he did. He was like a drug, but it was one that was bringing me down and one that I had to quit. So tonight was that night. I told them about how much I had needed him, how much I loved him, how I had ran out of the wake, the funeral and had never gone back. So tonight was the night to forgive and release. I would never forget him, but when I said goodbye and whispered so mote it be, John gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left. He was gone, and I was never going to see him again. I experimented that night, in the loft, whispering his name. He whispered goodbye and never came back. I'll never forget him, but I don't need to call him anymore.

When we had all said our goodbyes, our thank you's, and gave forgiveness for trespassers. We began to close the circle, releasing the corners, thanking them for helping us, and addressing the death of the Oak King, knowing he'd be back at Yule to be reborn into the Sun King. I smiled knowing that I'd be here for Yule. There was no way I would miss it. As I raised my hand to each corner my hand would shake and slowly Tess, Rick, and Nicky left. Rick was at peace now, he knew I could move on, giving my one last squeeze goodbye. Tess gently let go of my back and Nicky drifted away from my shoulder. I was alone, but I wasn't. I was with those who cared for me here on earth. I had a family with these people.

As the circle ended and the hugs erupted, everything felt so amazing, I was on top of the world even though I couldn't stop crying. My breathing was erratic, and I couldn't figure out if I was hot or cold. I gave hug after hug, people saying thank you for sharing, or congratulating me on my bravery, I would thank them all for being with me through this, for sharing with me their energy. I was at center with myself, a feeling I hadn't felt since I was a child. I reveled in that for a moment, I am 17, but I am not a child any longer. I hadn't been for a long time, and it took me until now to realize that my youthful qualities that I still clung to, would never leave me unless I left them. So I pocketed them like a child would a penny and carried on my way.

Samhain was a phenominal experience, I would not trade it for the world. I was grateful for all who were there, and for those spirits who came to bring peace to their loved ones.

I may have been raised by christian roots when I was younger, and this may take some soul searching to figure this out, but I believe deep down that experiencing Yule and Samhain has changed my life forever. I had already questioned my roots, but now I know that there is a difference beetween beleiving what you are told, and believing what you feel. I will never be the same, instead I will be better for it.

So mote it be.

Letting Go

Running through the neighborhood,
To tell my latest tale,
Of romance and or heartbreak,
Of saintly deeds and sin.

I use to tell you everything,
Secrets between friends,
A way to vent our emotions,
An escape from all our woes.

I depended on you for kindness,
For ways to make me laugh,
I was there for you through hardship,
From boyfriends down to death.

But in the end it was not enough,
You walked away so fast,
Spreading rumors and stupid lies,
I was only left to ask:

What happened to my friend,
The one I held so dear,
The shoulder there to cry on,
The jokes to make me smile?

I miss that dear old friend,
But this is truly how it goes,
I walk away forever,
Saying goodbye,
From now on letting go.

I think of him, I cry, I hear his name, I cry, I hear his voice and I break down. It's impossible to sustain sanity in a situation like this. I'm completely overwhelmed by the fact that I thought both of us needed the break, we both wanted it and in the end he didn't want or need it at all. I was the one who was unsure, I was the one who pushed him away from me. Why? I was branded, why'd I give up? It's like I carved the brand right out of my skin and handed it over. I don't understand why my body aches for him, I still want to be with him, I want to feel his lips pressed against mine. To feel his arms hold me tight. But I can't go backwards, now is the time to look forward but never forget. I've cried more this last week than I have in my entire life. It's almost a constant flow of tears. If people are around I hold it in. I hide, my mask of innocence and strength are up and no one sees my pain. But lock the door and close the blinds and that's when I fall apart. I'm so weak, my heart has shattered into a million peices and I'm the reason that he's gone. I couldn't do what I promised. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't be there for him the way he needed me. And for that I am deeply sorry. I wish I could just forget, wipe every memory out of my mind forever...no I don't what am I saying? Forget everything? I don't regret anything that happend between us. He was my light at the end of the tunnel, and instead of heading towards it I ran away. I turned around and left that tunnel, in consequence I was hit by the next upcoming semi which was labeled Logic and Reality Co. Can I really be so naive as to believe that it would have all fixed itself over time? Of course not. And now he has given up and there are no second chances. He's gone, but only to a certain degree. He is my friend, but this weekend with him over was akward. I shouldn't have said yes, I wasn't ready. I cried in my room, or in the bathroom, and he'd only be right down stairs. If he listend hard enough he probably could have heard my sobs. I'm a wreck but I cannot and will not go backwards. I am a strong independent woman. And for this reason is why I can stand on my own. He is my friend and in time my wounds will heal.

The Sacrament-HIM (I <3 this song!)

The Sacrament
HIM
Love Metal
-----------------------------

I hear you breathe so far from me
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
It's glory lies beyond judgment of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


I hear you weep so far from me
I taste your tears like you're next to me
And I know
That my weak prayers are not enough to heal
All the ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you
The sacrament is you


You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you


The sacrament is you
You know our sacred dream won't fail
The sacrament is you
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament is you
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you